Unfortunately I can’t unremember any of this

One of my children has been throwing up all afternoon and the other has a 102 degree fever. Pretty certain the one who has thus far not started vomiting just has not started yet.

Alarmingly, cleaning up multiple episodes of The Pukes off of all of our belongings is only the second most disturbing reality of my Monday evening.

Having one of my children ask to have her “bottom temperature” taken (repeatedly) this evening unquestionably topped the list.

What. The. Hell. Kid.

The last time I will ever ask my four-year-old about her day

Every afternoon at pick-up, I ask my girls about their day. I very much look forward to hearing their responses.

Okay. In the interest of full transparency and disclosure, I very much look forward to Stumps’ responses. When I say “Beanie, what did you do at school today?” her response is always “No!”

Yay two.

Anyway. Mine and Stumps’ little routine is always the same. I ask who her friends were that day. Sometimes she lists nearly every kid in the class. Other times, crushing my mommy heart, she lists only her teacher.

We progress to the day’s excitement, and Stumps tells me that she played in “home living”, “sensory”, “manipulatives” (Yes.), or “block area”. I then ask what she made, or what she built ,or what she sensed, or what whom she manipulated and she tells me all about it.

Today when I (as I have unfailingly for the past two years) unwittingly inquired “Stumps, what did you do at school today?” she responded with

My friend Blank threw up in the bathroom and not in the toilet or in the trashcan but on the floor and some splashed on the counter and some made it in the trashcan and it was really wet and brown.

So anyway, I am now in the market for some new post-pick-up conversational topics if anyone has any suggestions.

Top Ten Ways to Determine Whether You Parent Stumps or Beans

You may be the parents of Stumps or Beans if…

10) …you trim your littles’ fingernails and don’t even cringe anymore when the clippings continuously hit you in the face, and frequently turboblast right into your mouth.

9) …you wear noise cancelling air travel headphones around the house nearly daily to preserve both your hearing and your sanity. (to Husband – Best. Christmas gift. Ever.)

8) …you are determined to outsource the potty-training of your toddler to your recently potty-trained preschooler. (I have faith in you, Stumps. Don’t let me down.)

7) …you were more than a little excited the first time you received one of those large promotional kid activity car magnets and proudly and promptly displayed it; relieved that your minivan was no longer feeling naked, nonparticipatory, neglected, and left out.

6) …you are developing a major complex, and are in fact quite certain you have failed as a mommy, because your 22 month old child has not yet once told you she loves you. In fact, she has recently sunk to a new level of pure demonic evil and actually started laughing at you when you beg to hear those three little words every mother longs to hear.

*)…you are ashamed to admit that your nearly-two year old and over-four-year-old still consume most of their meals in infant highchairs for the following three reasons:

*5) Your kitchen table is covered in so much shit on a daily basis that it does not contain even one square inch of exposed surface area for actual eating.

*4) The highchairs can be situated in front of Yo Gabba Gabba, whilst the kitchen table cannot.

and

*3) You can lock and strap them into their highchairs seat-like prison shackles so that they can’t accidentally fall out and risk injuring themselves escape.

2) …you selected nicer furniture fifteen years ago for your college dorm room than you do now for your home so that you won’t be upset by the juice/snot/markers/spit-up/urine that will inevitably decorate everything you own.

and finally

1) …despite items one through nine, you are still in a state of delightful disbelief that you managed to win the baby lottery – not once, but twice.

*************************************************

(previous Top Ten post)

Stumpsisms of the day

Aside

Stumps will ask me “Why?” nineteen times in a row and still not be satisfied with my answer. Since I am not quite ready to surrender to earning the very special Mother Of The Year award that is reserved for mommies who tell their preschool-age children to “shut up”, I oftentimes find myself saying “Sweetie, it’s my quiet time now.”

This, however, has started to backfire. Now when I pick the Stumps up from daycare and inquire about her day, she responds with “Can I have some quiet time please?”

In other news, Husband was upstairs this evening giving our pitiful little Beans, who was mid-overtired-and-overstimulated-helltantrum, a bath. Typically my children bathe together so when I came downstairs and found my four year old still down here playing, I asked why she wasn’t with her sister in the bath. Stumps replied, “I don’t want to listen to all that freaking out.”

Instead we played beauty parlor for awhile. Stumps was styling my hair and just tooting up a storm. I asked if she had gas and she stated matter-of-factly, “Yes, that usually happens when you fix someone’s hair.” Hairstylists – Is excessive flatulence a universal issue within the industry? It must be all the exposure to processing chemicals. I now feel like I am privy to one of the secrets of the trade. Prior to this evening, I just always assumed she got it from her dad.

Now that this has occurred to me, I can’t un-think it. Will be getting my own personal roll to carry with me around the house…

Parents of small children – does this sound familiar? You are using the bathroom and as you go to wipe, you find that there is a seemingly clean unused length of toilet paper more-or-less folded up (if it is “wadded” and not “folded”, I say don’t trust it) and placed on top of the roll of paper. I oftentimes err on the side of frugality and go ahead and use the folded extra paper, assuming that my one year old Bean was having a ball removing it from the dispenser and Husband put it back in order and replaced it. But in the back of my mind, I can’t help but wonder if Stumps actually used it, got confused, and then replaced it back on the roll. Very disturbing thought. You never can tell with preschoolers.

If this does not sound at all familiar, I am totally prepared to accept the fact that it is probably just us.

Pictures of my children being awkward

IMG_1121

stumpstantrum

stumpstantrum

stumpstantrum

stumpstantrum

18 month old stumps

sleep in highchair

beanslaziness

beanslaziness

grossdorablestumps

grossdorablestumps

grossdorablebeans

grossdorablebeans

2.5 year old stumps

2.5 year old stumps

beanward scissorhands

beanward scissorhands

beans puts up with a lot

beans puts up with a lot

the picture that launched a blog

the picture that launched a blog