On today’s episode of Dubious Compliments from Stumps

“Mommy your face looks like a sandwich ’cause it has moles all over it.”

I assume she is referring to my sun damage age spots large pores freckles.

Um. What types of sandwiches have they been feeding my children at daycare?

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In unrelated news, I am pleased to discover that Stumps and Beans are quite creative and am veritably bursting with copious amounts of understandable mommy pride.

For example, just today Beanie repurposed a pair of toenail clippers into a shank.

“No Beanie. Stop Beans. STOP!!! Mommy she got the clippers! Mommyyyy she is trying to clip meeee!!!”

It is worth mentioning that they are both sick so I am home from work and we are quarantined to the house. Only 170 more minutes until Husband comes home. Not that I am counting. Or completely disgusted from doing many hours of post-puke laundry. Or entirely out of BRAT diet ingredients, Florastor, and Pedialyte.

Or going stir crazy and slowly rapidly losing my grip.

I would be a really shitty SAHM.

Much, much respect ladies (and the occasional gent). I don’t know how you do it.

“I’m two. Don’t f*** with me.”

CIMG6181

My now four-year-old Stumps was a high-strung newborn who would routinely scream from 4-7 pm every afternoon for the first four months of her life. So when the Jellybean came along nearly two-and-a-half years later, we didn’t know what hit us. Beanie was such an easy, happy, laid back baby that it was uncanny. No amount of antagonization was going to provoke Beans into fussing. I remember asking Husband more than a few times in those early months, “She’s so chill. She never cries. Do you think there’s something, you know, wrong with her?”

Beanie’s amiable and easygoing temperament was quite fortunate, all things considered, since I am pretty certain I said “Leave the baby’s head alone!” to Stumps at least twice a day that entire first year.

Fast forward to now, and in hindsight, we now know Beans was just stockpiling rage to unleash upon the pitiful creatures of this world throughout her toddler years.

In other news, they are eating a meal at an actual table (see Items #3-5) , so we can consider that progress.

If anyone would like to propose a caption for what the comic strip thought-bubble above my twenty-two-month-old’s withering glare might read, I welcome submissions!

{Edited to add: When you click on the picture, it is not at all blurry, so not sure why it is blurry embedded in the post?}

Forgiveness

“Mommy! Beanie apologized to me. I picked her up and dropped her, but she apologized and I forgave her.”

Wow sweetie. What a tender heart and generous spirit you have to assault and knock the baby over, and then forgive her for it.

It is moments like these that I experience some much-needed validation that I am raising these children right.

Taser

I’m not saying that I would actually tase my 4 year old to stop her from continuously antagonizing my crying 1 year old while I am operating a vehicle and can’t stop the abuse… I’m just saying I fantasize about it

A more effective contraceptive

Husband is upstairs giving the girls a bath. In the last ten minutes I have heard him say: “No. Stop pouring water on her. Quit it she can’t breathe. Stop splashing water on the floor. You are flooding the bathroom. Get that toy out of your privates. Don’t put it in hers either.”

 

 

Whenever I am feeling the urge to have a third child, I am just going to replay these words over and over in my head. I should probably make an audio recording next bath night and donate it to the educational library at Worth The Wait