In between longer and less-frequent blog entries, I post brief blurbs of ridiculous on the stumpsandbeans facebook page. If you prefer your Stumpsandbeans succinct and to the point, or you find our adventures in parenting and in life entertaining enough that you would like to read more, please follow the page and show it some love. Thanks to everyone who reads and comments and reassures me that I am not just talking to myself :)
It is rare that I actually “laugh out loud” at anything I read on the internet. This though… BAHAHAHA
To the Hopeful Employment Applicants Whom It May Concern:
The python tattoo that wraps constricts around your neck (you badass) is best kept under cover until at least the second interview. (If you are applying to tend bar, swing around a pole, or cashier at a used record
store, please ignore this tip and be sure that all body art is as conspicuous as possible throughout the process.)
Also, I am just going to assume that when you listed “did daily failing” under your current job responsibilities, you meant “did daily filing.” Please remember that though it may take a little extra effort and time, there is a bit more to proofreading than running a spellcheck.
(*Both of these stories are true. One occurred about five years ago, and the other occurred about five hours ago.)
Stumps will ask me “Why?” nineteen times in a row and still not be satisfied with my answer. Since I am not quite ready to surrender to earning the very special Mother Of The Year award that is reserved for mommies who tell their preschool-age children to “shut up”, I oftentimes find myself saying “Sweetie, it’s my quiet time now.”
This, however, has started to backfire. Now when I pick the Stumps up from daycare and inquire about her day, she responds with “Can I have some quiet time please?”
In other news, Husband was upstairs this evening giving our pitiful little Beans, who was mid-overtired-and-overstimulated-helltantrum, a bath. Typically my children bathe together so when I came downstairs and found my four year old still down here playing, I asked why she wasn’t with her sister in the bath. Stumps replied, “I don’t want to listen to all that freaking out.”
Instead we played beauty parlor for awhile. Stumps was styling my hair and just tooting up a storm. I asked if she had gas and she stated matter-of-factly, “Yes, that usually happens when you fix someone’s hair.” Hairstylists – Is excessive flatulence a universal issue within the industry? It must be all the exposure to processing chemicals. I now feel like I am privy to one of the secrets of the trade. Prior to this evening, I just always assumed she got it from her dad.
When I receive a resume from IUseRecreationalDrugsAndHaveAWeirdClownRelatedFetish@SomeonePleaseHireMe.com, I often wonder (after bleaching my brain) what high school guidance counselors and university career services departments are teaching the future job applicants of America.
When I have to fire some poor soul on her third day of employment because she fell asleep (more than once) during orientation, I think about all of the amazing job candidates (who would have sold their kidneys to secure a position) who were not selected for the position that my narcoleptic ex-new-hire just discarded.
I have mentioned this before, but The Real Reson They Didn’t Hire You was created because I so very much want to be able to be transparent with candidates whom I choose not to hire so that they get a call back and a job offer for another great opportunity ASAP. They ask me for reasons, advice, and feedback on why they were not selected, and I have to issue a sterile “unfortunately our selection process and employment decisions are entirely confidential yadda yadda…” I want to spend an hour giving them the direct advice that will give them the opportunity to catch the attention of hiring managers for all the right reasons and receive an offer at an organization in which they will fit, in a career they will love. Unfortunately if I did that individually, I would be crossing a major professional line. So my mission is to occasionally put it out there on this blog and hope that the people who would most benefit from some guidance will stumble upon it.
Also I don’t ever get to use the phrase “Weird Clown-Related Fetish” at work without someone accusing me of having an issue with establishing appropriate boundaries.
We don’t really want to learn that you appreciate dobermans, Justin Bieber, World of Warcraft, or light bondage from your email username. FirstNameLastName@gmail.com folks. It’s free and it won’t alienate the recruiter who receives your resume.
So what if “Winning a blog award” is essentially a euphemism for being tagged by the internet version of the long-extinct snail mail chain letter. So what if one of the blogs that I love to read refers to blog awards as “f***ing blog herpes”. A dubious award. Whatever. I’ll take it!
Tric of Thoughts on a Page really brightened my day when she selected Stumps and Beans as one of her ten blogs for the so-called Sunshine Award (which from this point forward, I will refer to as the Sunshine Project since no self-respecting award should ever require this much work). When I realized that she hails from Ireland and writes in verse, I was pretty excited. Visiting Ireland is high up there on my bucket list, so one day Tric I might drop by and thank you for my Sunshine Award in person. Ha! Anyway please visit her blog. It is well-written and full of charming Irish colloquialisms that are both lovely and exotic (Seriously, I really don’t get out much) to read aloud for a homebody like me. I mean – “Fairplay to her” and “She doesn’t half love herself”. I would have too entirely much fun attempting to awkwardly work those into everyday American conversation. Just in time for St. Patrick’s Day, perhaps I could get away with it for a couple of weeks? All kidding aside, thank you Tric. I’m flattered.
I am tasked with answering 10 questions and then passing the
spammy blog herp “award” along to ten others. Seeing as how when I completed the Liebster project a few weeks ago, a) I could only ever come up with ten people to award it to b) several had already completed a recent Liebster post and c) the rest have thus far opted to not participate (which I completely understand since that particular challenge took HOURS), part two of this project where I have to pass it along to ten more bloggers should be interesting for me to sort out.
1. What inspired you to start blogging? Friends and family encouraging me to blog. My utter failure at producing baby books for my two children or any sort of record of their milestones and lives. My secret (well, I guess it is not secret anymore) desire to in 20-30 years semi-retire to becoming an author.
2. How did you come up with a name for your blog? Stumps and Beans are my girls’ actual nicknames. I am more than a little ashamed that my one year old apparently thinks “Beanie” is on her birth certificate as that is how she answers when you ask her name.
4. Tell me about your dream job. Being a writer. Probably the most expected, cliche, and unimaginative answer for someone who blogs as a hobby. In the meantime though until the book deals start pouring in (ha!), I work as a generalist in human resources management and really love it.
5. Is your glass half-full or half-empty? I am somewhat pessimistic. I think it is a defense mechanism for self-preservation. Expect the worst and you will rarely be disappointed or crushed, and instead will usually be more-or-less pleased.
6. If you could go anywhere for a week’s vacation, where would you go? Ireland. Even moreso after reading Tric’s blog! :)
7. What food can you absolutely not eat? My least favorite foods are pungent cheese (Think: bleu, gorgonzola.), and chocolate chips (yes.) I am pretty adveturous about trying new cuisine but the one thing I have never been able to bring myself to taste is a crawfish – Nasty. I think that probably makes me a true failure as a southerner.
8. Dark chocolate or milk chocolate? Milk chocolate. Just please not in chip form. Something about the texture of a chocolate chip… Blech!
9. How much time do you spend blogging? Hmm. Including my lunchbreak and that hour or two of paradise between when my children go to bed and when I do, probably on average 90 minutes or so per day.
10. Do you watch TV? If so, what are your favorite shows? Every morning I watch the news. The only other shows I watch are always DVRed – SNL, How I Met Your Mother, and So You Think You Can Dance. Until they went off the air, my favorite shows were Wonder Years (waaay back in the 80s) and Scrubs (waaay back in the 2000s). That’s about it.
So this list will be a work in progress, but I challenge the following
10 8 bloggers to accept the Sunshine Award by answering the ten questions above and then passing it along to ten more bloggers of your choice (and making sure they know that you selected them):
9. Who wants to up their blog exposure?
10. …any takers?