On today’s episode of Dubious Compliments from Stumps

“Mommy your face looks like a sandwich ’cause it has moles all over it.”

I assume she is referring to my sun damage age spots large pores freckles.

Um. What types of sandwiches have they been feeding my children at daycare?

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In unrelated news, I am pleased to discover that Stumps and Beans are quite creative and am veritably bursting with copious amounts of understandable mommy pride.

For example, just today Beanie repurposed a pair of toenail clippers into a shank.

“No Beanie. Stop Beans. STOP!!! Mommy she got the clippers! Mommyyyy she is trying to clip meeee!!!”

It is worth mentioning that they are both sick so I am home from work and we are quarantined to the house. Only 170 more minutes until Husband comes home. Not that I am counting. Or completely disgusted from doing many hours of post-puke laundry. Or entirely out of BRAT diet ingredients, Florastor, and Pedialyte.

Or going stir crazy and slowly rapidly losing my grip.

I would be a really shitty SAHM.

Much, much respect ladies (and the occasional gent). I don’t know how you do it.

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Demulletting

The only thing Beanie hates more than boundaries enforced by her loved ones to ensure her well-being is having her picture taken.

Which is why I had to snap pictures of her fresh shearing and deshagging while she  stuffed her face.

I give you a sweet bob on a sweet rotten baby:

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Regarding the crap mountain situation that may or may not be occurring on my sofa in the background of these shots:

1) Pretty certain there is a note in the Bible about being sin-free to cast stones at hoarderific suburban glass houses. Or something. Judgy McJudgerpants, God totally disapproves of your judging and critical ways.

1) I posted the majority of the pictures in sepia so I maintain that Crap Mountain is cleverly camoflaged and almost completely invisible. What pile of not-yet-folded laundry, cast-off-outerwear, and shit my children dragged home from daycare? I have no idea what you are talking about.

I’m on it

Let’s be honest.

I think we all know that I am the last mom to, say, create a from-scratch leprechaun trap, have a leprechaun hunt, and dye the water in the toilet bowl green.

After I microwave a dinner out of a can, I may or may not have a history of bragging to Husband about how I lovingly toiled to prepare the family meal.

Nevertheless, let us state for the record that today is March 27, a full three days before Easter, and this year…

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the Easter bunny has got her shit together.

Top Ten Ways to Determine Whether You Parent Stumps or Beans

You may be the parents of Stumps or Beans if…

10) …you trim your littles’ fingernails and don’t even cringe anymore when the clippings continuously hit you in the face, and frequently turboblast right into your mouth.

9) …you wear noise cancelling air travel headphones around the house nearly daily to preserve both your hearing and your sanity. (to Husband – Best. Christmas gift. Ever.)

8) …you are determined to outsource the potty-training of your toddler to your recently potty-trained preschooler. (I have faith in you, Stumps. Don’t let me down.)

7) …you were more than a little excited the first time you received one of those large promotional kid activity car magnets and proudly and promptly displayed it; relieved that your minivan was no longer feeling naked, nonparticipatory, neglected, and left out.

6) …you are developing a major complex, and are in fact quite certain you have failed as a mommy, because your 22 month old child has not yet once told you she loves you. In fact, she has recently sunk to a new level of pure demonic evil and actually started laughing at you when you beg to hear those three little words every mother longs to hear.

*)…you are ashamed to admit that your nearly-two year old and over-four-year-old still consume most of their meals in infant highchairs for the following three reasons:

*5) Your kitchen table is covered in so much shit on a daily basis that it does not contain even one square inch of exposed surface area for actual eating.

*4) The highchairs can be situated in front of Yo Gabba Gabba, whilst the kitchen table cannot.

and

*3) You can lock and strap them into their highchairs seat-like prison shackles so that they can’t accidentally fall out and risk injuring themselves escape.

2) …you selected nicer furniture fifteen years ago for your college dorm room than you do now for your home so that you won’t be upset by the juice/snot/markers/spit-up/urine that will inevitably decorate everything you own.

and finally

1) …despite items one through nine, you are still in a state of delightful disbelief that you managed to win the baby lottery – not once, but twice.

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(previous Top Ten post)

It’s all fun games until it’s 20 degrees outside and some poor hot mess locks her keys in the car

In the past 24 hours, my poor clumsy Stumps has inexplicably charged full speed into a number of large, decidedly visible objects. First the corner of a birthday cake table, and then a large concrete landscaping planter. She now has her very first shiner. When we drop her off at daycare tomorrow, we may have some serious ‘splainin’ to do to our friendly neighborhood state-mandated reporters.

poor stumpsLooking like we had been on the losing end of an ugly prison gang brawl did not deter us from attending a lovely Valentine’s tea party at In the Oak Treetops this afternoon. In just two hours, Stumps and her little friends played dress-up, made gingerbread houses, beaded necklaces, created Easter hats, decorated take-home mini-chalkboards, and still had time for three books, an etiquette lesson, and some silly rhymes. I think that Carolyn of ItOT accomplished in 120 minutes approximately the same number of arts & crafts that I have managed to create with Stumps in the past four years.

If you live in my area and are the parent of a little girl under the age of eight, she probably wants to have her birthday party here. So! Stinkin’! Sweet!

building a gingerbread house

etiquette circle time

etiquette circle time

stringing some beads for necklaces

stringing some beads for necklaces

five girls build houses

tea party fun

tea party fun

Well I am being really special by looking at the wrong camera, but at least this is a "mom stays in the picture" example where I don't look like I have questionnable hygiene

Well I am being really special by looking at the wrong camera, but at least this is a “mom stays in the picture” example where I don’t look like I have questionnable hygiene

My friend did give me permission to post this ubersophisticated pic of us, but I neglected to ask Hello Kitty.

My friend did give me permission to post this ubersophisticated pic of us, but I neglected to ask Hello Kitty.

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We had to rush out of the tea party early to another much-anticipated little buddy’s birthday party across town, but like the spaz tornado of completely disorganized chaos that I unfortunately am, I locked my damn keys in the car. Husband had ventured out for the day and accidentally forgot his phone, and I can confidently say that after nineteen missed calls from me and two completely rational voicemails where I did not at all overreact, he will probably never make that mistake again.

Stumps asked why I was mad, and I said “I’m not mad, sweetie. I’m disappointed that daddy didn’t answer his phone and we missed the other party.”

In the true spirit of high-drama hyperbole, which she comes by so very honestly, Stumps responded with, “Well tell daddy I’m destroyed.”

One day when “Peppa Pig” is cancelled, or an event just as equally devastating occurs, poor Stumps is going to be all out of adjectives with which to properly articulate the magnitude of her grief.

Thank you to our lovely hosts and In the Oak Treetops for a truly lovely time. And if in the future should you happen to add locksmithing services to your party packages, we will be frequent guests for life!

Go on sweetie, don’t be shy. Tell me how you really feel.

Quote

(regarding the dinner that I microwaved prepared tonight…)

“Mommy I want a peanut butter jelly sandwich! Those stuffed peppers smell horrible! I know that if I eat it, it will make me dead!”