On today’s episode of Dubious Compliments from Stumps

“Mommy your face looks like a sandwich ’cause it has moles all over it.”

I assume she is referring to my sun damage age spots large pores freckles.

Um. What types of sandwiches have they been feeding my children at daycare?

***************************************************************************

In unrelated news, I am pleased to discover that Stumps and Beans are quite creative and am veritably bursting with copious amounts of understandable mommy pride.

For example, just today Beanie repurposed a pair of toenail clippers into a shank.

“No Beanie. Stop Beans. STOP!!! Mommy she got the clippers! Mommyyyy she is trying to clip meeee!!!”

It is worth mentioning that they are both sick so I am home from work and we are quarantined to the house. Only 170 more minutes until Husband comes home. Not that I am counting. Or completely disgusted from doing many hours of post-puke laundry. Or entirely out of BRAT diet ingredients, Florastor, and Pedialyte.

Or going stir crazy and slowly rapidly losing my grip.

I would be a really shitty SAHM.

Much, much respect ladies (and the occasional gent). I don’t know how you do it.

Advertisements

Unfortunately I can’t unremember any of this

One of my children has been throwing up all afternoon and the other has a 102 degree fever. Pretty certain the one who has thus far not started vomiting just has not started yet.

Alarmingly, cleaning up multiple episodes of The Pukes off of all of our belongings is only the second most disturbing reality of my Monday evening.

Having one of my children ask to have her “bottom temperature” taken (repeatedly) this evening unquestionably topped the list.

What. The. Hell. Kid.

Demulletting

The only thing Beanie hates more than boundaries enforced by her loved ones to ensure her well-being is having her picture taken.

Which is why I had to snap pictures of her fresh shearing and deshagging while she  stuffed her face.

I give you a sweet bob on a sweet rotten baby:

CIMG6470 CIMG6471 CIMG6475 CIMG6483 CIMG6485

Regarding the crap mountain situation that may or may not be occurring on my sofa in the background of these shots:

1) Pretty certain there is a note in the Bible about being sin-free to cast stones at hoarderific suburban glass houses. Or something. Judgy McJudgerpants, God totally disapproves of your judging and critical ways.

1) I posted the majority of the pictures in sepia so I maintain that Crap Mountain is cleverly camoflaged and almost completely invisible. What pile of not-yet-folded laundry, cast-off-outerwear, and shit my children dragged home from daycare? I have no idea what you are talking about.

I’m on it

Let’s be honest.

I think we all know that I am the last mom to, say, create a from-scratch leprechaun trap, have a leprechaun hunt, and dye the water in the toilet bowl green.

After I microwave a dinner out of a can, I may or may not have a history of bragging to Husband about how I lovingly toiled to prepare the family meal.

Nevertheless, let us state for the record that today is March 27, a full three days before Easter, and this year…

CIMG6243

the Easter bunny has got her shit together.

To mistreat a child. The nerve.

Within the House of Stumps and Beans, a full-fledged theatrical tantrum is occurring at this very moment.

The words being tearfully, hysterically, and repeatedly screamed are “Nooooo!!! I don’t want it cut in sliiices..!!! I don’t want you to slice it!!!” 

From the sheer severity of this episode, one might think the “it” to which she refers is a prized posession. A treasured lovey. The family pet. Perhaps one of her fingers.

In the interest of full disclosure, the subject of this particular tantrum is an apple.

How can you just stand by and witness such tragedy?? Get off your duff, stop reading this blog, and alert the authorities!!

Callous people of this world – have you no souls?! Due to your apathy, ambivalence, and inactivity, a child is suffering!

Top Ten Ways to Determine Whether You Parent Stumps or Beans

You may be the parents of Stumps or Beans if…

10) …you trim your littles’ fingernails and don’t even cringe anymore when the clippings continuously hit you in the face, and frequently turboblast right into your mouth.

9) …you wear noise cancelling air travel headphones around the house nearly daily to preserve both your hearing and your sanity. (to Husband – Best. Christmas gift. Ever.)

8) …you are determined to outsource the potty-training of your toddler to your recently potty-trained preschooler. (I have faith in you, Stumps. Don’t let me down.)

7) …you were more than a little excited the first time you received one of those large promotional kid activity car magnets and proudly and promptly displayed it; relieved that your minivan was no longer feeling naked, nonparticipatory, neglected, and left out.

6) …you are developing a major complex, and are in fact quite certain you have failed as a mommy, because your 22 month old child has not yet once told you she loves you. In fact, she has recently sunk to a new level of pure demonic evil and actually started laughing at you when you beg to hear those three little words every mother longs to hear.

*)…you are ashamed to admit that your nearly-two year old and over-four-year-old still consume most of their meals in infant highchairs for the following three reasons:

*5) Your kitchen table is covered in so much shit on a daily basis that it does not contain even one square inch of exposed surface area for actual eating.

*4) The highchairs can be situated in front of Yo Gabba Gabba, whilst the kitchen table cannot.

and

*3) You can lock and strap them into their highchairs seat-like prison shackles so that they can’t accidentally fall out and risk injuring themselves escape.

2) …you selected nicer furniture fifteen years ago for your college dorm room than you do now for your home so that you won’t be upset by the juice/snot/markers/spit-up/urine that will inevitably decorate everything you own.

and finally

1) …despite items one through nine, you are still in a state of delightful disbelief that you managed to win the baby lottery – not once, but twice.

*************************************************

(previous Top Ten post)