On today’s episode of Dubious Compliments from Stumps

“Mommy your face looks like a sandwich ’cause it has moles all over it.”

I assume she is referring to my sun damage age spots large pores freckles.

Um. What types of sandwiches have they been feeding my children at daycare?

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In unrelated news, I am pleased to discover that Stumps and Beans are quite creative and am veritably bursting with copious amounts of understandable mommy pride.

For example, just today Beanie repurposed a pair of toenail clippers into a shank.

“No Beanie. Stop Beans. STOP!!! Mommy she got the clippers! Mommyyyy she is trying to clip meeee!!!”

It is worth mentioning that they are both sick so I am home from work and we are quarantined to the house. Only 170 more minutes until Husband comes home. Not that I am counting. Or completely disgusted from doing many hours of post-puke laundry. Or entirely out of BRAT diet ingredients, Florastor, and Pedialyte.

Or going stir crazy and slowly rapidly losing my grip.

I would be a really shitty SAHM.

Much, much respect ladies (and the occasional gent). I don’t know how you do it.

Unfortunately I can’t unremember any of this

One of my children has been throwing up all afternoon and the other has a 102 degree fever. Pretty certain the one who has thus far not started vomiting just has not started yet.

Alarmingly, cleaning up multiple episodes of The Pukes off of all of our belongings is only the second most disturbing reality of my Monday evening.

Having one of my children ask to have her “bottom temperature” taken (repeatedly) this evening unquestionably topped the list.

What. The. Hell. Kid.

comedy

“Toilet head. Toilet head! Bottom privates pooping peepee toilet head!! Bahahhaaha!! Mommy isn’t that funny?? Bahahahaha!!”

Questioning whether I should humor Stumps’ terrible sense of humor in favor of preserving her developing four-year-old self-esteem and say yes. Perhaps force myself to laugh.

She thinks she’s hilarious. I’m at a loss.

The last time I will ever ask my four-year-old about her day

Every afternoon at pick-up, I ask my girls about their day. I very much look forward to hearing their responses.

Okay. In the interest of full transparency and disclosure, I very much look forward to Stumps’ responses. When I say “Beanie, what did you do at school today?” her response is always “No!”

Yay two.

Anyway. Mine and Stumps’ little routine is always the same. I ask who her friends were that day. Sometimes she lists nearly every kid in the class. Other times, crushing my mommy heart, she lists only her teacher.

We progress to the day’s excitement, and Stumps tells me that she played in “home living”, “sensory”, “manipulatives” (Yes.), or “block area”. I then ask what she made, or what she built ,or what she sensed, or what whom she manipulated and she tells me all about it.

Today when I (as I have unfailingly for the past two years) unwittingly inquired “Stumps, what did you do at school today?” she responded with

My friend Blank threw up in the bathroom and not in the toilet or in the trashcan but on the floor and some splashed on the counter and some made it in the trashcan and it was really wet and brown.

So anyway, I am now in the market for some new post-pick-up conversational topics if anyone has any suggestions.

To mistreat a child. The nerve.

Within the House of Stumps and Beans, a full-fledged theatrical tantrum is occurring at this very moment.

The words being tearfully, hysterically, and repeatedly screamed are “Nooooo!!! I don’t want it cut in sliiices..!!! I don’t want you to slice it!!!” 

From the sheer severity of this episode, one might think the “it” to which she refers is a prized posession. A treasured lovey. The family pet. Perhaps one of her fingers.

In the interest of full disclosure, the subject of this particular tantrum is an apple.

How can you just stand by and witness such tragedy?? Get off your duff, stop reading this blog, and alert the authorities!!

Callous people of this world – have you no souls?! Due to your apathy, ambivalence, and inactivity, a child is suffering!