To mistreat a child. The nerve.

Within the House of Stumps and Beans, a full-fledged theatrical tantrum is occurring at this very moment.

The words being tearfully, hysterically, and repeatedly screamed are “Nooooo!!! I don’t want it cut in sliiices..!!! I don’t want you to slice it!!!” 

From the sheer severity of this episode, one might think the “it” to which she refers is a prized posession. A treasured lovey. The family pet. Perhaps one of her fingers.

In the interest of full disclosure, the subject of this particular tantrum is an apple.

How can you just stand by and witness such tragedy?? Get off your duff, stop reading this blog, and alert the authorities!!

Callous people of this world – have you no souls?! Due to your apathy, ambivalence, and inactivity, a child is suffering!


Every woman should own at least one pair of jeans that the vendor’s marketing materials describe as “chunky”.

chunky jeans“Cuz when a girl walks in with an ittybitty waist and a boxy thing in yo’ face you get…”



“Mommy! Beanie apologized to me. I picked her up and dropped her, but she apologized and I forgave her.”

Wow sweetie. What a tender heart and generous spirit you have to assault and knock the baby over, and then forgive her for it.

It is moments like these that I experience some much-needed validation that I am raising these children right.


My daughter has a little school concert tomorrow. One song includes the words

“lately I’ve been going through some things that really got me down. I need to find someone to help me start to turn my life around.”

I am sure all three year olds can totally relate to the gravity of these lyrics. Just yesterday Stumps laid bare her soul and confided to me that she spilled some grape juice on her favorite pair of Dora socks. Preschoolers deal with some heavy stuff.


Bonus points if she picks her nose while singing this verse


Hanging out with Husband , arguing about baby names. Husband’s votes were “Ashley” and “Jennifer”. I let him know that the early 80s called and they want their Top 10 Names back. I suggested “Ryan”. Husband informed me that if I burden our little girl an androgynous name, I will be a single parent by the time she arrives.

When I insisted that “Tierney” is a beautiful name, Husband replied with “It is a beautiful name… for a stripper.”

I may disappear on him at the 8 1/2 month mark and return a few weeks later with a sweet newborn baby and a signed, unalterable birth certificate.