Top Ten Ways to Determine Whether You Parent Stumps or Beans

You may be the parents of Stumps or Beans if…

10) …you trim your littles’ fingernails and don’t even cringe anymore when the clippings continuously hit you in the face, and frequently turboblast right into your mouth.

9) …you wear noise cancelling air travel headphones around the house nearly daily to preserve both your hearing and your sanity. (to Husband – Best. Christmas gift. Ever.)

8) …you are determined to outsource the potty-training of your toddler to your recently potty-trained preschooler. (I have faith in you, Stumps. Don’t let me down.)

7) …you were more than a little excited the first time you received one of those large promotional kid activity car magnets and proudly and promptly displayed it; relieved that your minivan was no longer feeling naked, nonparticipatory, neglected, and left out.

6) …you are developing a major complex, and are in fact quite certain you have failed as a mommy, because your 22 month old child has not yet once told you she loves you. In fact, she has recently sunk to a new level of pure demonic evil and actually started laughing at you when you beg to hear those three little words every mother longs to hear.

*)…you are ashamed to admit that your nearly-two year old and over-four-year-old still consume most of their meals in infant highchairs for the following three reasons:

*5) Your kitchen table is covered in so much shit on a daily basis that it does not contain even one square inch of exposed surface area for actual eating.

*4) The highchairs can be situated in front of Yo Gabba Gabba, whilst the kitchen table cannot.

and

*3) You can lock and strap them into their highchairs seat-like prison shackles so that they can’t accidentally fall out and risk injuring themselves escape.

2) …you selected nicer furniture fifteen years ago for your college dorm room than you do now for your home so that you won’t be upset by the juice/snot/markers/spit-up/urine that will inevitably decorate everything you own.

and finally

1) …despite items one through nine, you are still in a state of delightful disbelief that you managed to win the baby lottery – not once, but twice.

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(previous Top Ten post)

“…Intimacy! That’s the you in me…”

I can neither confirm nor deny that tonight’s Top 10 List items are true stories of romance from the House of Stumps and Beans.

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You know you’ve been married awhile when…

…a nightly dutch oven is as much a part of your bedtime routine as saying goodnight to your spouse.

…offering to take care of the kids’ bedtime rituals is the most successful type of foreplay if you want to ensure that you will score.

…”scoring” means getting a really long, deep, thorough, and attentive footrub.

…you beckon your spouse into the bathroom, point to the inside of the toilet bowl, and say “Baby come look at this. Should I call a doctor?”

…you beckon your spouse into the bathroom, point to the inside of the toilet bowl, and say “Baby come look at this. Grab the camera. Call Ripley’s.”

…the ultimate betrayal is not infidelity; it is discarding your spouse’s most cherished pair of exceptionally and unacceptably holey underwear.

…your beloved occasionally checks the garbage to make sure you haven’t committed the ultimate betrayal by discarding said cherished underwear. And while you aren’t 100% certain, you suspect that there was one time you caught him cradling that particularly frightful pair while whispering “My precious”.

…Your level of disgust with, and outraged overreaction to his farts pretty directly correlates with his general level of happiness in your marriage.

…You reserve your sexiest most risque lingerie – you know, those pink plaid pajama pants with the sassy word on the butt and the matching pink sweatshirt- for very special occasions like your anniversary or weekends when your parents are sleeping over in the next room and have promised they will get up with the kids the next morning.

and finally…

…you have ever yelled across the house “Hey! Bring me a new roll of toilet paper! Imma ’bout to tear it up in here!”